Friday Night TV Picks For the Discerning Viewer

If you're anything like me, you only have a few friends and are currently too broke to buy any of them. In times like these the weekend can seem especially desolate, so I perused the TV Guide last night and have decided to publish my picks for Friday night's exciting lineup! These entries are reproduced verbatim from their original source.


Landon 'n Jeff - Nickelodeon

After a science experiment goes awry, Jeff's gay-dar becomes overly sensitive. Landon prepares for an intimidating first day at meatball school.


I Want to Be a Republican Baby-Raper! - Game Show Network

The kids compete in a border-town scavenger hunt for work visas.


Hospital, MD - NBC

Several doctors fast-walk while pan-directionally shouting esoteric medical jargon. One of the visiting residents is a quirky free spirit who, with a little help from a wise-cracking old ghost, forces sick children to confront the horrific oblivion that is physical death.


Super Super Sparkle Dance - FOX

Some weird Japanese thing. An unsuspecting man is locked naked in a hotel room and forced to eat dog food until he can fart 100 times in a row. Several adorable puppets perform a menacing interpretive dance.


Nigger, Please! - UPN

Middle-class white families compete in their knowledge of black culture for a chance to extend their property lines 15 inches.


Mississippi Shiv - HBO

The inmates become restless when Poundcake bites off Aryan Joe's cock in the laundry room. The night-shift guards play an intense game of 'cookie' after boredom and curiosity get the best of them.


The Sisters Hope (miniseries) - Lifetime

After their parents are killed in an automobile accident, three sisters named Hope move in together and learn a ton of shit about what it means to embrace life.


Chadwick von Rappaport: Magician At Large (season finale) - CBS

Chadwick cries again after he flubs a card trick during his audition for a Wednesday night spot at the Holiday Inn Express. Jennifer finally discovers why Chadwick's penis always smells like milk.


Charlie Rose - PBS

A bunch of fat nerds quietly discuss net neutrality, copyright, and the economic viability of the online world Second Life. Charlie frequently interrupts with a bunch of erudite bullshit.


Kid and Play: House Party 9 (rerun) - BET

With Kid's parents long dead and Play out of another job, the two boys decide to throw a wild party "like the old days" by purchasing high-school girls Bacardi in exchange for their attendance.


Peking Order - ABC

The teachers are divided when a new mandatory abortion policy ruffles a few feathers at Tsun Jin High. Meanwhile, several Mexican teenagers in Houston are jealous.