Thursday, August 6, 2009


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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

New Adventures in Film

I shot this entirely on my phone. A meditative examination of love in a post-industrial America, it is probably my most personal and deeply spiritual work to date.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Brief Reviews of Pornography Stored on My External Hard Drive

These are just a few to test the waters. "Tip of the iceberg" does not even begin to describe how far I could take this. It could realistically be a blog unto itself.

Last Girl Standing

High production values add to the overall cinematic feel of this clever, self-referential film. Centering around a group of young porn stars called to a mountaintop mansion to audition for the lead role in an upcoming movie, the film is a sly commentary on the current state of the pornography industry. The plot follows one of the film's financial backers who has come last-minute to help the director with casting. He causes a stir when he immediately makes known his negative feeling towards pornography and the people who act in it [1]. As the auditions progress the women become increasingly distrustful of one another, eventually resulting in sabotage, accusations of theft, and aggressive sexual contact. Much of the conflict revolves around the fact that Jenna Jameson (in a wonderfully self-effacing turn) has hired an English voice coach to help her with her lines (the film-within-a-film is set in 1920's Britain, allowing for some truly surreal desecration of the Queen's English). Just as the tensions between the girls has built to a fever pitch, however, much of the film's goodwill is squandered by a frustrating deus-ex-machina wherein the conflicts between the women are resolved via an extended orgy sequence that is less titillating than it is grossly self-indulgent. Despite this frustrating ending, the film is still a daring statement about an industry that often rewards trite predictability over originality. Recommended.

Babysitters 3

This one is actually pretty fucked up. It is a series of vignettes involving babysitters in various situations that turn inappropriately sexual. The first one is about girl (a babysitter) who gets caught masturbating in the master bedroom and is subsequently raped fairly violently when the couple returns early from their night on the town. The second scene features a girl of questionable age blowing a muscular Italian immigrant [2] who is literally colored bronze. It is notable mostly for it's playful setting, poolside in the summer, birds chirping merrily in the background. The last scene involves a babysitter fucking these two fat guys [3] in diapers. It is disturbing and weird, playing more like a poorly executed nightmare sequence than anything vaguely erotic. I find this film as a whole almost impossible to jack off to.

Matrix 3

This, it goes without saying, is not the Matrix 3 but I thought it was going to be when I downloaded it. It is entirely in German and I don't know exactly what it's called, but it is an utter delight and superior to the final Matrix installment in almost every way. My understanding of the plot is rudimentary, but it involves a large group of people on a farm in the countryside. There are a series of moody black and white flashbacks which give the impression of a supernatural element. The women are attractive and exhibit a uniquely German willingness to take it to the next level, lending the film a certain credibility lacking in most mainstream American affairs. A total surprise, this is the kind of film to which one can return again and again. A valuable part of my collection for many years.

Luna Lane in Flesh Hunters

This short concerns a young woman unwittingly answering an add for a lingerie photo shoot. She is nervous at first when faced with requests to "go a little further" with resident stud Erik Everhard but things turn decidedly hardcore when they end up having sex anyway. Hand-held camera work lends the film a cinema verite grittiness that captivates with it's unflinching realism. Strong performances from both leads elevate this romp above a simple "two people fucking on a couch" farce, but obnoxious and persistent comments from an off-screen camera man test the viewer's patience. Ms. Lane especially is charismatic and beautiful despite having been cursed with a truly astonishing labia. The complex narrative and innovative cinematography can be difficult but reward repeat viewings.

[1] This revelation is made delightfully ironic later when Briana Banks sneaks into his bedroom and fucks him, despite the actress showing obvious symptoms of a mid-grade flu (a scene that can only be described as completely disgusting)

[2] He tells her in broken English to "pretend it is a lollipop." It is very creepy.

[3] Like serious tubs of shit. Pale, corpulent, undeniably revolting.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Friday Night TV Picks For the Discerning Viewer

If you're anything like me, you only have a few friends and are currently too broke to buy any of them. In times like these the weekend can seem especially desolate, so I perused the TV Guide last night and have decided to publish my picks for Friday night's exciting lineup! These entries are reproduced verbatim from their original source.

Landon 'n Jeff - Nickelodeon

After a science experiment goes awry, Jeff's gay-dar becomes overly sensitive. Landon prepares for an intimidating first day at meatball school.

I Want to Be a Republican Baby-Raper! - Game Show Network

The kids compete in a border-town scavenger hunt for work visas.

Hospital, MD - NBC

Several doctors fast-walk while pan-directionally shouting esoteric medical jargon. One of the visiting residents is a quirky free spirit who, with a little help from a wise-cracking old ghost, forces sick children to confront the horrific oblivion that is physical death.

Super Super Sparkle Dance - FOX

Some weird Japanese thing. An unsuspecting man is locked naked in a hotel room and forced to eat dog food until he can fart 100 times in a row. Several adorable puppets perform a menacing interpretive dance.

Nigger, Please! - UPN

Middle-class white families compete in their knowledge of black culture for a chance to extend their property lines 15 inches.

Mississippi Shiv - HBO

The inmates become restless when Poundcake bites off Aryan Joe's cock in the laundry room. The night-shift guards play an intense game of 'cookie' after boredom and curiosity get the best of them.

The Sisters Hope (miniseries) - Lifetime

After their parents are killed in an automobile accident, three sisters named Hope move in together and learn a ton of shit about what it means to embrace life.

Chadwick von Rappaport: Magician At Large (season finale) - CBS

Chadwick cries again after he flubs a card trick during his audition for a Wednesday night spot at the Holiday Inn Express. Jennifer finally discovers why Chadwick's penis always smells like milk.

Charlie Rose - PBS

A bunch of fat nerds quietly discuss net neutrality, copyright, and the economic viability of the online world Second Life. Charlie frequently interrupts with a bunch of erudite bullshit.

Kid and Play: House Party 9 (rerun) - BET

With Kid's parents long dead and Play out of another job, the two boys decide to throw a wild party "like the old days" by purchasing high-school girls Bacardi in exchange for their attendance.

Peking Order - ABC

The teachers are divided when a new mandatory abortion policy ruffles a few feathers at Tsun Jin High. Meanwhile, several Mexican teenagers in Houston are jealous.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Truly Horrifying Tales, vol. 1

From the master of the macabre comes three tales of ULTIMATE HORROR...


There is no moon and, especially here, beneath the thick forest canopy, it is morbidly black. Two teenagers whisper to each other through the dark, giggling, their footsteps eliciting muffled crunches from the rotting leaves underfoot.

They had strayed from camp about thirty minutes ago, unfortunately having missed an alarming radio broadcast concerning an escaped convict with an insatiable hunger for human flesh. He had apparently run from the wreckage when the vehicle transporting him between holding facilities had swerved for unknown reasons and careened violently into the forest.

Suddenly the two teenagers heard a twig snap and they stopped abrubtly, clutching one another.

"What was that?" the young, attractive teenage boy said, sounding curiously like a true coward.

"It was nothing!" exclaimed the exquisite and plucky blonde girl, "go on with what you were saying!"

"Oh, okay, well," the boy continued, "I was just saying that cancer is really frighteningly random and not so much even a genetic thing and that really when you think about it, it could strike you at any time, or someone you care about deeply, and furthermore that it can often go undetected for far too long especially if you aren't vigilant and, Jesus Christ, how one day you could just be at the doctor for a like routine check-up, like just your basic physical exam, when all of a sudden you're walking out the door with a newly minted expiration date and, seriously, when I really think about it, I don't know if it is more horrifying to be given like a month to live or to be told that it could be years of vicious and uncompromising and altogether miserable struggle against your own frail and deteriorating shell--"


A mother and a daughter are driving through the desert at night. The sky is cloudless save a few tendrils snaking in front of the moon, which is itself a deep orange, almost red. Suddenly there comes from somewhere inside the car the dull sound of metal grinding and the car comes to an abrupt stop throwing both riders forward against the dash.

They are silent, stunned; they sit still, the ragged sounds of their respective breaths wheezing in and out of syncopation as the automobile steams on the deserted highway.

"What is that, mommy?" the little girl asks, pointing into the darkness. There are, gathering in the blackness, glowing pairs of what appear to be eyes, bright red and menacingly narrow. In a moment the eyes are everywhere and drawing nearer to the vehicle, surrounding it. The sound of ragged claws scraping against the sandy pavement is audible in the still night. The little girl begins to cry, and then, from the thick obsidian desert, comes a roar and a howl, as if the sand itself was howling, each grain together in some macabre symphony of death and oblivion.

And just before the mass of creatures descends upon the car in an orgiastic feast of flesh and offal, the mother turns to her daughter and cries:

"You must know that I never loved you, that I was never capable of loving you due to my own extreme narcissism and self-loathing, and that I have thought in a truly alarmingly consistent way from the day of your birth only of myself and my petty jealousies and desires--shhh, my darling! You must also know that you were in fact a complete accident, a real shocker if you must know the truth, and that your conception actually served as the reason your real father--no darling, Henry is not your real father--the reason that your real father ended up leaving me one night without so much as a word as I lay in bed alone weeping about my ruined future!"


It happened in the middle of grandfather's funeral, right during dear uncle's heartfelt and tearful eulogy--the coffin began to shake and a dreadful moan rose from within. Uncle stammered briefly and tried to continue but the coffin suddenly crashed to the floor, springing open in the collision!

The congregation screamed and jumped to their feet as grandfather, three days dead, rose from the splintered coffin and bit forcefully into uncle's neck. As blood sprayed violently from the wound, my father turned to me and said:

"You see how your grandpa's bald? That means you'll probably be bald one day too. Good luck with that."