Brief Reviews of Pornography Stored on My External Hard Drive

These are just a few to test the waters. "Tip of the iceberg" does not even begin to describe how far I could take this. It could realistically be a blog unto itself.

Last Girl Standing

High production values add to the overall cinematic feel of this clever, self-referential film. Centering around a group of young porn stars called to a mountaintop mansion to audition for the lead role in an upcoming movie, the film is a sly commentary on the current state of the pornography industry. The plot follows one of the film's financial backers who has come last-minute to help the director with casting. He causes a stir when he immediately makes known his negative feeling towards pornography and the people who act in it [1]. As the auditions progress the women become increasingly distrustful of one another, eventually resulting in sabotage, accusations of theft, and aggressive sexual contact. Much of the conflict revolves around the fact that Jenna Jameson (in a wonderfully self-effacing turn) has hired an English voice coach to help her with her lines (the film-within-a-film is set in 1920's Britain, allowing for some truly surreal desecration of the Queen's English). Just as the tensions between the girls has built to a fever pitch, however, much of the film's goodwill is squandered by a frustrating deus-ex-machina wherein the conflicts between the women are resolved via an extended orgy sequence that is less titillating than it is grossly self-indulgent. Despite this frustrating ending, the film is still a daring statement about an industry that often rewards trite predictability over originality. Recommended.


Babysitters 3

This one is actually pretty fucked up. It is a series of vignettes involving babysitters in various situations that turn inappropriately sexual. The first one is about girl (a babysitter) who gets caught masturbating in the master bedroom and is subsequently raped fairly violently when the couple returns early from their night on the town. The second scene features a girl of questionable age blowing a muscular Italian immigrant [2] who is literally colored bronze. It is notable mostly for it's playful setting, poolside in the summer, birds chirping merrily in the background. The last scene involves a babysitter fucking these two fat guys [3] in diapers. It is disturbing and weird, playing more like a poorly executed nightmare sequence than anything vaguely erotic. I find this film as a whole almost impossible to jack off to.


Matrix 3

This, it goes without saying, is not the Matrix 3 but I thought it was going to be when I downloaded it. It is entirely in German and I don't know exactly what it's called, but it is an utter delight and superior to the final Matrix installment in almost every way. My understanding of the plot is rudimentary, but it involves a large group of people on a farm in the countryside. There are a series of moody black and white flashbacks which give the impression of a supernatural element. The women are attractive and exhibit a uniquely German willingness to take it to the next level, lending the film a certain credibility lacking in most mainstream American affairs. A total surprise, this is the kind of film to which one can return again and again. A valuable part of my collection for many years.


Luna Lane in Flesh Hunters

This short concerns a young woman unwittingly answering an add for a lingerie photo shoot. She is nervous at first when faced with requests to "go a little further" with resident stud Erik Everhard but things turn decidedly hardcore when they end up having sex anyway. Hand-held camera work lends the film a cinema verite grittiness that captivates with it's unflinching realism. Strong performances from both leads elevate this romp above a simple "two people fucking on a couch" farce, but obnoxious and persistent comments from an off-screen camera man test the viewer's patience. Ms. Lane especially is charismatic and beautiful despite having been cursed with a truly astonishing labia. The complex narrative and innovative cinematography can be difficult but reward repeat viewings.



[1] This revelation is made delightfully ironic later when Briana Banks sneaks into his bedroom and fucks him, despite the actress showing obvious symptoms of a mid-grade flu (a scene that can only be described as completely disgusting)

[2] He tells her in broken English to "pretend it is a lollipop." It is very creepy.

[3] Like serious tubs of shit. Pale, corpulent, undeniably revolting.